I couldn’t do it, guys. I had to withdraw from training.
Since I last posted, the graveyard shift hours became easier to handle even if the heat did not. I spent two weeks back on a daytime shift in that haphazard classroom training before being assigned to a training officer who worked 2am-10:30am.
Still, I threw everything I had at it. Maybe it was the hours. Maybe it was the all-over-the-place training. Maybe the job itself has grown too much or maybe I have. Ultimately it didn’t matter: I knew I wasn’t going to meet their expectations, so I called it.
“Disappointment” is the phrase of the week. I feel like a disappointment to the people who stuck their necks out for me, to the people who believed in me, and to the people who need a reliable coworker. I knew what I was getting myself into and I thought I could overcome, but I couldn’t. The infamous Professor K recently called me one of her favorite and most talented students, but I don’t write much so I feel like a disappointment to her, too. Disappointment runs rampant in my little world these days.
I’m not actually full of self-pity. I didn’t fail without help. What bothers me the most is that I’m not the Super Woman I thought I was.
There is a rainbow at the end of this storm, though: I’m still employed! Yay! I applied for and acquired another position within the department. It’s not as prestigious or well-compensated as the one I just left, but I’m already tons happier. I’m in a “familiarization” phase waiting for another group of new hires to start with me, but I’ve already been able to contribute a little. And that, after failing every day for 5 months straight, is priceless.